Services
Coaching and Consulting for
Individuals
Groups
Families
Events
Assessment
All solutions must begin with a solid overview of the presenting problem, its root system, its consequences, and how the client is looking at the problem. Equally important is a history of the client’s strengths and successes. Oftentimes a disturbance doesn’t cause a problem; it reveals what we need to pay attention to. Existing strengths and weakness get revealed and are amplified by an external crisis - much like a light on the dashboard. A look under the hood always sheds light on stored pain and the adaptations we made to get our needs met in unhealthy and difficult environments. Those adaptations, so necessary at the time, unconsciously become personal thought/behavioral patterns and personality traits that may not be working for us today. A good history is the first step in developing a clear road map taking you from where you are to where you want to be. Think Yellow Brick Road.
“Given one hour to save the world, I would spend fifty-five minutes defining and understanding the problem, then five minutes resolving it.”
—attributed to Albert Einstein
“We don’t live our lives, we live our patterns.”
—Martha Beck
Individual Coaching
Most people reaching out for help are already at a personal Turning Point. This can feel like quicksand if you don’t know about turning points, which is why so many of us gravitate back to what is familiar. Joseph Campbell’s genius body of work on the Hero’s Journey describes facing a difficult and often unexpected change as ‘The Road of Trials.’ There is great value in reframing the trouble as happening for us, not to us, and we will use it to heal, empower, and evolve.
Meeting my clients where they are requires I understand what it’s like for them to be in their current circumstances and the core of both their distress and their needs. It is estimated that over 90% of our life is unconsciously driven so this isn’t as simple as it sounds, but a good initial assessment always illuminates the next right steps.
My approach to both the presenting problem and the process best suited to the client is grounded in specialized knowledge and expertise. I aim to strike a balance between educating and guiding. The guiding is about helping the client reconnect with their inner compass which inherently connects them with the core of their struggle. “To thine own self be true” is the root of our struggling; we are swimming against the natural current until our still, small voice within becomes our highest authority. In that spirit, I’m consistently facilitating self-awareness, self-examination, and personal growth. For the students among us, I recommend relevant reading, Ted Talks and podcasts, workshops, and myriad other tools that open the doors for exploration of themselves and their circumstances. Knowledge is power.
“When we know better, we do better.”
—Maya Angelo
“Oz never did give nothin’ to the Tin Man that he didn’t already have.”
—America
Family and Couples Coaching
When fighting airs grievances, it is one of the healthiest things people can do. It only becomes destructive when expressed or received with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or shutting down. How we fight reflects how emotionally evolved we are as individuals, and how healthy our partnership and family cultures are. More important than solving the issue is feeling good about the interaction itself; win-win must be the intention. Our agenda is always based on the stated needs of my clients, but in general I cover:
each person’s viewpoint on the State of the Union
strengths and weaknesses of the relationship structure, Rules of Play, and vows
the concept of teamwork as “different but equal”
conscious and intentional relationships, rather than autopilot; we examine familiar and unexamined individual and relationship patterns (e.g. the he said/she said doom loop)
Conflict Resolution education - many of us fall into energizing the conflict rather than the resolution. Deeply listening to the other’s story is foundational, and makes it possible to connect during difficult conversations and rough times.
Transitions - change is the essence of our planet and all its citizens. It happens with regularity and is often unexpected and unwelcome. Our job is to be aware and responsive to change in a timely manner, Darwin called this “Survival of the Fittest.” When we learn to look at life through this lens, we are able to personally transition in harmony with changes in our lives and relationships. This is based on a brilliant 3-stage process elucidated in Bill Bridges book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes
Attachment model – this body of research is critical in providing an understanding of the nature of our relationship patterns, leading to an accurate and compassionate foundation.
Motivational and Stage-of-Change models – these explain the gist of how people pull off sustainable change, based on the fundamental truth that people do not change until they feel heard. I teach my clients how to structure a conversation that leads each person to talk themselves into change based on their own values and interests.
Emotional Intelligences – self-awareness, social awareness, emotional self-regulation, empathic concern, and a solid Speaking/Listening protocol
becoming a Truth-teller (to yourself and others)
amends and radical forgiveness
Reciprocal Altruism – a fancy name for treating others as you want to be treated for your own benefit. It is a self-evident truism that we borrowed from Nature, and to the extent we practice it we’ll be living the life of our dreams.
Just as storms deepen the roots of the oak tree, conflicts grow us and our relationships. Within an environment of safety and respect, I facilitate fair and connective rules of engagement where the relationship is put above the conflict. The State of the Union is a co-creation, each person being 100% responsible for their own role. Taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of all positive change.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
—David Augsburger
“And in the end, the love you take
is equal to the love you make.”
—Paul McCartney
Small Weekly Groups
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
—Helen Keller
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Women's Process Group
For women seeking to live in harmony with their own spiritual compass. We learn how to stay mindful of following our “True North” and practice staying the course amidst ever-present noise and pressures. In the context of our personal lives, we unpack, explore, relate, learn, teach, and GROW. We are a circle of compassion, curiosity, energy, and humor. Women typically find the circle because of their problems; they stay because all things are possible when you have the right people beside you.
“Everything you want is on the other side of your fear.”
—Jack Canfield -
Beyond Codependency Group
This group is about taking your eyes off the other person long enough to deeply connect to your Self and your one beautiful life. We explore the roots and the impact of over-caretaking, over-controlling, people-pleasing, and over-focusing on others. Healthy, balanced boundaries are correlated with a healthy, balanced nervous system – both require being in harmony with our values and inner compass. We examine personal histories to see how early adversities and trauma create survival skills that morph into codependency. We look at our innate powerlessness over (1) other people, and (2) our own unconscious patterns. Until the unconscious becomes conscious, “we are driven by forces unseen by us” (Freud). We aim our strengths – empathy, compassion, energy – at ourselves where they become a beacon of light for everyone in our lives.
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”
—Paul Coelho -
12-Step Enrichment Group (Kickass Recovery)
A walk through the 12 steps designed for people recovering from addictions, codependence, and other self-destructive behaviors designed to avoid reality. My aim is to help clients experience the genius of the steps through their own personally meaningful lens, by discussing them in a relatable, unifying way without dogma or doctrine. We incorporate the languages of nature, science, religion, ordinary heroism, and inspirational stories across the ages. This group is designed to give you a deep and personal experience of the steps and their immeasurable gifts.
“You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”
—Dr. Seuss
For Families of Addicted Loved Ones
For five decades, both personally and professionally, I’ve witnessed the devastating effects of addiction on families and addicts alike. Posted on the wall of the Family Pavilion at The Betty Ford Center was “Addiction isn’t an individual sport; the whole family gets to play.” My continued dedication to serve in this area is truly a labor of love. In private sessions or 1-2 day Intensives with families I cover:
a simplified overview of the brain’s role in addiction, mental health, stress, and trauma. This provides a foundational understanding of how diseases that impair the brain, by definition, impair clear thinking, good judgment, insight, free will, and moral choices.
how profoundly the family is affected. Addiction takes control of the whole family, rendering loved ones every bit as confused, hurt and desperate as the person taking an addictive substance or caught in any other self-destructive cycle.
Enabling VS Support (one feeds the addiction, the other feeds the solution).
the many faces of codependency.
healthy and effective boundaries that shift family members from REactive (the Titanic) to PROactive (the lifeboat).
the Gold Standard of Care for the first year of recovery (empirically researched and practiced by the AMA, the FAA, and other safety-sensitive careers). The components known to predict sustainable sobriety are outlined and discussed.
relapse prevention; red flags and right responses.
Last but not least: this is a contagious disease that strips away the energy, clarity, and self-care of everyone in its path. It is equally important for family members to seek help in coming to grips with their own fears, trauma, grief, and exhaustion. I encourage continued support for family members to promote healing, growing, and avoiding their own relapse (falling back to old patterns).
“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
—Christopher Reeve
Intervention
I work with many people (including me) seeking to change the bad behaviors of others. Our own well-meaning attempts to help leave us exhausted, resentful, and being resented for our trouble. The negative feedback loop unwittingly fueled by everyone stuck in their own vantage point is the first thing we address. It is on a foundation of breaking that pattern that we set about creating a sturdy, steady, well-informed team that becomes a Safe Harbor.
Typically I work with the family without the Person of Concern (POC). This allows us to build a comprehensive picture of the individuals, the system, and the problem and is the first big step toward solution. Enough steps creates momentum and momentum shifts the whole situation. Without fail.
My family interventions include:
assessment of needs for both the family and the POC.
education about:
clinical and scientific advances in the field of addiction and recovery.
a clear outline of effective family support strategies.
options for treatment (I can’t overstate how critical it is to find the right fit).
relapse prevention plan for both the POC and the family.
full preparation for a constructive and loving meeting with the POC; the family will be fully informed, committed as a team, practiced at effectively responding to resistances, and in a position of Power not Force.
facilitating family meeting with the POC.
facilitation of treatment arrangements.
continued work with the family during the treatment phase to discuss POC’s progress, any concerns, and aftercare plans. Having realistic expectations and being prepared for the fluctuating nature of new recovery are critical if the family is to remain stable and useful. These meetings have the added benefit of fortifying a solid and sustainable team and demonstrating that message to the POC.
ongoing aftercare meetings with family and POC for the purpose of addressing everyone’s needs, expectations, boundaries, and course-corrections in a timely manner. Regular meetings prevent most relapses, and those that do happen are experienced as bumps rather than black holes.
continuing to help family members build bridges – deeply understanding the core of what each person has experienced is an ongoing process when there have been years of anger, hurt, confusion, and distance.
“The best part of the Superman story is Clark Kent. Why? Because we’re Clark Kent. I love the idea that all of us, in all our ordinariness, want to do something better, want to be something better; that we can tear open our shirt and try and help people.”
—Brad Meltzer, Heroes for My Son
“Generosity consists not the sum given, but the manner in which it is bestowed.”
—Mahatma Gandhi
First Year of Recovery Case Management
The very best treatment centers are only as good as what patients do when they return home. Inpatient/Outpatient treatment is Phase 1, designed solely to provide a stable foundation and prepare the patient for Phase 2, which is about building on that foundation and maintaining positive changes. Think of Phase 1 as surgery and Phase 2 as post-op; surgery is when you get saved, post-op is when you heal and practice healthy, balanced living.
While people understandably avoid the R word, the reality is that the first year of recovery sees a lot of Relapse, true of all chronic diseases. The average number of Treatment Centers an addict will go to is between 5 and 8 depending on demographics. This is unnecessarily invasive, costly, and depleting for the whole family and can be avoided with a commitment to the right aftercare plan. A straw house is fine for breezy, low-stress days and a stick house works for windy, manageable stress, but when the Big Bad Wolf shows up, the pigs left standing are surrounded by bricks. A sound and empirically-proven plan guarantees a singular inpatient treatment experience and, more importantly, it guarantees that everyone grows from relapses.
The mortar for the brick house is a solid combination of support and accountability, and the right case manager provides both until clients have their bricks together and are demonstrating ongoing recovery. Demonstrating means action, not talk. Ongoing means months of sobriety and healthy choices. Recovery means over-and-above abstinence; it encompasses all professionally recommended follow-up. My clients and I work as a team getting the individualized, best-fit bricks in place and continuously expanding support, accountability, and all elements of a healthy life they love.
“One way of looking at this might be that for 42 years I’ve been making small, regular deposits in this bank of experience, education, and training. And on January 15, 2009, the balance was sufficient so that I could make a very large withdrawal.”
—Sully Sullenberger after landing a plane in the Hudson River, saving 155 lives
Lectures and Workshops
Intervention (for families)
Intervention (for Mental Healthcare professionals)
Navigating the First Year of Recovery
Codependency: Beauty and the Beast
Letting Go of the Need to Control
Healthy Boundaries and How to Protect Them
Relationships: What Makes Them Succeed and Fail
Burnout (for Healthcare professionals)
Facing Life Transitions: Growing in Harmony with Life Changes
Navigating Difficult Conversations
Childhood Adversity and Trauma
